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Avoiding Difficult Conversations?

Jane had not been pulling her weight for months now. Initially, Tom was glad to jump in and take up the slack for the sake of the team. After awhile though, he grew to resent her and his job. It was even beginning to affect his performance and his overall job satisfaction. Tom needed to resolve this situation before it got any worse.

He needed to have a difficult conversation with Jane.

When initiating a difficult conversation like this, it is important to understand what you want to see change after the conversation. If you do not have a clear outcome in mind, you risk diluting your communication with self-serving emotional venting.

Here’s a good place to start. Clarify for yourself which outcomes are non-negotiable and which are your preference. That Jane fulfill her basic job requirements on a regular basis may be non-negotiable for Tom. That Jane adopt Tom’s team spirit and help others fulfill their job duties may be a preference. Of course, desiring an attitude change for Jane is a valuable preference, but it is not core to what Tom needs to recover his own enthusiasm for work.

Another helpful exercise is to consider the worst case scenarios. What if your worst fears are fulfilled? What is the worst that can happen? Be misunderstood? Be yelled at? Be fired? The goal of your communication is not to prevent your worst fears from happening. The goal is to focus on the outcome you need–whether it is a change in your work environment, a change in the way you are treated, or like Tom a change you need from another person.

Be careful not to let the conversation become a personal attack. For example, Tom should focus on the way Jane’s behavior is affecting his work. He should avoid references to her motives or attitudes because these are internal dynamics about which he cannot be certain. Instead, Tom must stay focused on concrete behaviors. In the same way, communicate the impact others have on you and the work effort.

Above all, communicate respect when you confront others. Assume they want the team to succeed. Talk about ways they have helped the team succeed in the past. And make your request for change. Such a tact can release others from rushing to their own defense.

You’ll be surprised at what a little planning and reflection before hand can do to take the frustration and fear out of difficult conversations.



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